It’s been almost a year since I last saw your face. From what I had heard you had been getting help, you were shaping up, making a change. I thought maybe we could forget the past, move on and start fresh. I was ready, I had made the change. You, you hadn’t, you had sunk deeper and destroyed yourself.
I looked you in the face and instantly I saw there was something wrong. You were stoned. My girl was half high while looking at me telling me she had missed me. I looked to the right of you, and you introduced your boyfriend. Older, puffy eyed and clinging onto you like there was no tomorrow. So we walked to get coffee, you asked me what I wanted and I told you the same thing I used to, “hot chocolate and marshmallows” with a smile. I pulled out my wallet expecting to pay like old times, but not this time. You had a wallet full, ready to pay. I was surprised, but figured you had a job.
We started to talk and you told me about your life, you told me you were living back with your mum in the week and with him on the weekends in his apartment. I thought you were okay. You pulled out a cigarette and lighted up. I knew you hadn’t got rid of this habit, not yet. I told you not to get on me, I didn’t want to smell like it, or even inhale it. I still found it disgusting. I shrugged it off.
I watched as you and your boyfriend talked, I felt like an outsider. He was agitated, even though you were talking about the most normal of things. I got involved in the conversation and realised just how different you had become. You made me feel like the old me again, childish and so willing to get hurt. You asked me what was new with me, and I told you just how much better my life was. And that’s when I realised you had just dug your own hole deeper. “You wanna come back to my place for a while?” you said, I hesitated and replied, “Will I be safe there?” “You’re always safe with me”. I didn’t feel that way. I’d never felt so panic filled and terrified in your presence before. I didn’t know you this time. You were different this time. My girl wasn’t my girl anymore. I agreed. And asked where you were taking me, where it was. And you gave me the address and where it was. I didn’t tell you I was emailing my friend with the details in case I needed help.
We walked with him close by, you stopped and he went and brought cigarettes. When he was back he handed you a pack and you laughed saying “trying to kill me are you? These are too strong.” I didn’t think it was funny. Clearly he didn’t care. Not the way I do. You’re fifteen. He shouldn’t be with you. I was repulsed by him. We started walking again. You made a couple of phone calls, “put it away, I’ve got a friend coming over”. I asked “what is he putting away”. You didn’t reply you make a gun with your hand. And I froze. “You have guns in your home?” “It’s not mine!” you said, as though that would comfort me. You told me it was legal and then looked to him for conformation, he just shrugged. I got the feeling, nothing was legal about him. He was changing her. Another phone call “make sure everything’s away by the time we get there”.
Oh God, I prayed silently, asking him to watch over me as I entered their flat. I was consumed with the smell of cigarettes, weed and other drugs. You made me stop at the hallway, “wait” you said. I saw you run to clean and pick up the bongs and drugs that covered the floor. 4 unfamiliar faces and 1 I recognised as my sister’s old partner. I prayed he didn’t recognise me. He was involved in Gangs. I almost died as you introduced me as your best friend, Shanly.
Every single one of them sat there. Looking, fidgeting, biting nails, laughing randomly, rocking backward and forwards, flicking through the same magazine, picking at skin. And then you, Sitting next to me, looking happy and as comfortable as ever. “What do you want to do?” you asked, and I wanted to scream “get the fuck out of here”. But I didn’t I stayed silent, realising that my voice wouldn’t come out with anything but a weak whisper. I was terrified. I was fighting back tears with everything I had. I sat. Staring at the TV screen, I could hear your boy getting angry with you over nothing, I was praying so hard for my life, for yours. My skin was cold, I left like the only light in a room of pitch black. Nobody else’s light was on. You noticed I was uncomfortable, on the edge of my skin. So you tried to ask questions to soothe me, I only answered with nods or shakes, even if the question wasn’t a yes or no question. Every minute was uneasy and tried not to breathe in. You finally asked “what time do you have to be home now”, I answered “now”. I just had to get out. So we walked to the bus station and on the way I snapped at you, A child, no older than 8 had asked you for a cigarette and you handed to him. I went nuts. “it’s his choice” you told me. “YOU GAVE IT TO HIM” I yelled at you. You had become everything I would hate you to become, we stopped in a shop. And walked around you started to tell me how you met your boyfriend, you told me how good he was for you. That’s when I broke down. I burst into tears. I told you how I felt.
How could you do this to yourself? How could you turn something that was so beautiful into something not worthy of a second glance? You used to be everything I looked up to but now you’ve become nothing I want to be put with. You left me at the bus stop with tears down my face and I remembered everything that had happened, why we stopped talking. You walked away from me when I got out of hospital last year, when I needed you the most. And as much as I still care, I’m not opening up fresh scars or making new tears. I’m sorry, but today you scared me like no other has ever scared me. You put me in danger and opened up a door to the bad side. I’m here, but I’m not going to be just another life destroyed.
My heart was crushed when I saw you today.
Monday, July 13
Wednesday, July 1
Scarlet sunsets.
Breathe in and let me just show that I’m here now.
Let me tell you there’s nothing to fear now.
‘Cause I’ll hold you close and take you high
There won’t be sorry songs or goodbyes
I’ll show you, what real loving can do.
I’ll show you, my heart beats for you.
Breathe in we’re not for show
Step lightly and shine your glow.
‘Cause I’ll help you forget the worries
I believe what no one else sees.
I’ll show you, you’re just like me
I’ll show you, together we’re free.
Breathe in don’t shy that smile
Let go for just a while
‘Cause I see the best in you
I adore you through and through
I’ll show you, light in the darkest day
I’ll show you I’m meant to stay
Breathe in I’ve got you safe now
I’ve got the 101, the know- how.
‘Cause to me you’re worth freedom and stars
To me you’re like sunshine and acoustic guitars.
I’ll show you, we can work this out
I’ll show you what hopes all about.
Breathe in trust the words I speak
There’s no one like you, so undeniably unique
‘Cause I know better than you think I do
One me and one you is equal us two.
I’ll show you, I’m not going anywhere
I’ll show you just how much I care.
Breathe in love, and exhale deep
Remember the heart you keep.
‘Cause I see the truth behind your eyes
I see us lying beneath blue skies.
I’ll show you trust that never breaks
I’ll show you what we can take.
Let me tell you there’s nothing to fear now.
‘Cause I’ll hold you close and take you high
There won’t be sorry songs or goodbyes
I’ll show you, what real loving can do.
I’ll show you, my heart beats for you.
Breathe in we’re not for show
Step lightly and shine your glow.
‘Cause I’ll help you forget the worries
I believe what no one else sees.
I’ll show you, you’re just like me
I’ll show you, together we’re free.
Breathe in don’t shy that smile
Let go for just a while
‘Cause I see the best in you
I adore you through and through
I’ll show you, light in the darkest day
I’ll show you I’m meant to stay
Breathe in I’ve got you safe now
I’ve got the 101, the know- how.
‘Cause to me you’re worth freedom and stars
To me you’re like sunshine and acoustic guitars.
I’ll show you, we can work this out
I’ll show you what hopes all about.
Breathe in trust the words I speak
There’s no one like you, so undeniably unique
‘Cause I know better than you think I do
One me and one you is equal us two.
I’ll show you, I’m not going anywhere
I’ll show you just how much I care.
Breathe in love, and exhale deep
Remember the heart you keep.
‘Cause I see the truth behind your eyes
I see us lying beneath blue skies.
I’ll show you trust that never breaks
I’ll show you what we can take.
Mother malice
You’re a liar and I despise you. Let me ask you a few questions mother; let me see you’re able to answer with words instead of fists.
Do you love me? And if so then why do you scream every time something is wrong.
Do I matter to you? And if I don’t, is that the reason you take it out on me.
Do you care if I live or die? And if you don’t is that my you beat me a little further into self-loathing.
Do you mean it when you say you hate me? And if not then why do you tell me different?
Did you care when I was in hospital? Or were you just worried about how it was making you look?
Do you really think I’m the reason our family is broken? And if so, is that the reason you stay away from me?
Does is actually matter to you if I come home? And if not, that explains why you never call to check, like everyone else’s mothers do.
Do you enjoy pushing me into tables and benches? And if not, then why do it?
Do you want to be feared every time you get in my personal space to strike me again? And if so then why do you hate me that much?
Do you feel I was your biggest mistake? And if not, then why do you act that way?
Do you cry at night like me after another abusive confrontation? Or do you smile at the thought of me in bed wasting away?
Do you love my father? Or do you just spend every moment away from our home because of me?
Do you like sleeping at the opposite end of the house to him? And if so, why?
Are you sorry for anything you’ve done? Or are you happy for the pain you cause.
Why do you yell when you can talk? Why do you hate when you can love?
Did it mean anything to you when I came to you, handing over my torture tools? Or was it just another meaningless action?
Does it matter to you that I suffer? Or do you really find joy in how miserable you make me?
Does it bother you that we have no relationship? Or does hitting me count as one in your books?
Do you like the red patches you leave and the emotional scaring? If so, why am I the target?
Do you want anything to do with me? Or am I just another stone to throw into the ocean of nothingness?
Do you like blaming me for everything in your life? If not, then why am I such a disgrace to you?
Why don’t you come home until its way past my bedtime? What’s so much better out there, then at home, with us?
Why do you neglect me every time I ask for help? Why do you misuse me when I’m in need of help and I don’t tell you?
How is it that I’m the foulest thing you’ve ever set eyes on? But what you’re doing is okay?
Mother, when did spitting on someone become a moral standard? Mother, when did hitting me become acceptable? Mother, when did it become okay in your mind, to destroy mine? Mother, why are you allowed to ask questions, but I’m not? Mother, what happens to the money father gives you to buy food, which never appears? Mother, why do you hit me when you’re sad? Mother, do you hit me because you hate me? Mother, why do you call me a liar, when you’re nothing but a fake? Mother, how am I liar when I only tell the truth? Mother, why do you criticise my weight because you’re obsessed with the way you look? Mother, why don’t you ever come home? Mother, was I really a mistake? Mother, what is the point in me living, if the woman, who gave birth to me, doesn’t want me here anymore?
Do you love me? And if so then why do you scream every time something is wrong.
Do I matter to you? And if I don’t, is that the reason you take it out on me.
Do you care if I live or die? And if you don’t is that my you beat me a little further into self-loathing.
Do you mean it when you say you hate me? And if not then why do you tell me different?
Did you care when I was in hospital? Or were you just worried about how it was making you look?
Do you really think I’m the reason our family is broken? And if so, is that the reason you stay away from me?
Does is actually matter to you if I come home? And if not, that explains why you never call to check, like everyone else’s mothers do.
Do you enjoy pushing me into tables and benches? And if not, then why do it?
Do you want to be feared every time you get in my personal space to strike me again? And if so then why do you hate me that much?
Do you feel I was your biggest mistake? And if not, then why do you act that way?
Do you cry at night like me after another abusive confrontation? Or do you smile at the thought of me in bed wasting away?
Do you love my father? Or do you just spend every moment away from our home because of me?
Do you like sleeping at the opposite end of the house to him? And if so, why?
Are you sorry for anything you’ve done? Or are you happy for the pain you cause.
Why do you yell when you can talk? Why do you hate when you can love?
Did it mean anything to you when I came to you, handing over my torture tools? Or was it just another meaningless action?
Does it matter to you that I suffer? Or do you really find joy in how miserable you make me?
Does it bother you that we have no relationship? Or does hitting me count as one in your books?
Do you like the red patches you leave and the emotional scaring? If so, why am I the target?
Do you want anything to do with me? Or am I just another stone to throw into the ocean of nothingness?
Do you like blaming me for everything in your life? If not, then why am I such a disgrace to you?
Why don’t you come home until its way past my bedtime? What’s so much better out there, then at home, with us?
Why do you neglect me every time I ask for help? Why do you misuse me when I’m in need of help and I don’t tell you?
How is it that I’m the foulest thing you’ve ever set eyes on? But what you’re doing is okay?
Mother, when did spitting on someone become a moral standard? Mother, when did hitting me become acceptable? Mother, when did it become okay in your mind, to destroy mine? Mother, why are you allowed to ask questions, but I’m not? Mother, what happens to the money father gives you to buy food, which never appears? Mother, why do you hit me when you’re sad? Mother, do you hit me because you hate me? Mother, why do you call me a liar, when you’re nothing but a fake? Mother, how am I liar when I only tell the truth? Mother, why do you criticise my weight because you’re obsessed with the way you look? Mother, why don’t you ever come home? Mother, was I really a mistake? Mother, what is the point in me living, if the woman, who gave birth to me, doesn’t want me here anymore?
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