Nothing at all.

This one's dedicated to someone who will always remain in my heart, no matter how far he may go.


Don't say you're coming back, if you don't mean it.
Don't say that you care, if you won't be there.
Don't say you love me, if you never did.
Cause my heart's not a toy & we're not kids.

I say you were the only shining star.
I trusted you not to go that far.
There you go, gone, gone for good.
Here i stand, knowing i never could.

I walk alone down every dark street.
Its not your fault i'm nothing you want me to be.
Nothing, you would need.

I'm nothing & your nothing.
Here's to nothing, i'm your nothing.

You said there were always stars in the sky.
You said you'd never give up, you'd always try.
You taught me just who i was & i guess that was fine,
when i still belonged.

I'm nothing & your nothing,
here's to nothing, i'm your nothing.

So i guess this is how this one goes,
from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes.
When you care about him & then he goes & leaves
& everyone thinks they know, just how hollow, you are.

Cause i'm nothing, & your nothing,
here's to nothing, i'm your nothing,
i'm your nothing, not your something,
just your nothing. I'm your nothing.

d.e.s.t.r.o.y.e.d

It’s been almost a year since I last saw your face. From what I had heard you had been getting help, you were shaping up, making a change. I thought maybe we could forget the past, move on and start fresh. I was ready, I had made the change. You, you hadn’t, you had sunk deeper and destroyed yourself.
I looked you in the face and instantly I saw there was something wrong. You were stoned. My girl was half high while looking at me telling me she had missed me. I looked to the right of you, and you introduced your boyfriend. Older, puffy eyed and clinging onto you like there was no tomorrow. So we walked to get coffee, you asked me what I wanted and I told you the same thing I used to, “hot chocolate and marshmallows” with a smile. I pulled out my wallet expecting to pay like old times, but not this time. You had a wallet full, ready to pay. I was surprised, but figured you had a job.
We started to talk and you told me about your life, you told me you were living back with your mum in the week and with him on the weekends in his apartment. I thought you were okay. You pulled out a cigarette and lighted up. I knew you hadn’t got rid of this habit, not yet. I told you not to get on me, I didn’t want to smell like it, or even inhale it. I still found it disgusting. I shrugged it off.
I watched as you and your boyfriend talked, I felt like an outsider. He was agitated, even though you were talking about the most normal of things. I got involved in the conversation and realised just how different you had become. You made me feel like the old me again, childish and so willing to get hurt. You asked me what was new with me, and I told you just how much better my life was. And that’s when I realised you had just dug your own hole deeper. “You wanna come back to my place for a while?” you said, I hesitated and replied, “Will I be safe there?” “You’re always safe with me”. I didn’t feel that way. I’d never felt so panic filled and terrified in your presence before. I didn’t know you this time. You were different this time. My girl wasn’t my girl anymore. I agreed. And asked where you were taking me, where it was. And you gave me the address and where it was. I didn’t tell you I was emailing my friend with the details in case I needed help.
We walked with him close by, you stopped and he went and brought cigarettes. When he was back he handed you a pack and you laughed saying “trying to kill me are you? These are too strong.” I didn’t think it was funny. Clearly he didn’t care. Not the way I do. You’re fifteen. He shouldn’t be with you. I was repulsed by him. We started walking again. You made a couple of phone calls, “put it away, I’ve got a friend coming over”. I asked “what is he putting away”. You didn’t reply you make a gun with your hand. And I froze. “You have guns in your home?” “It’s not mine!” you said, as though that would comfort me. You told me it was legal and then looked to him for conformation, he just shrugged. I got the feeling, nothing was legal about him. He was changing her. Another phone call “make sure everything’s away by the time we get there”.
Oh God, I prayed silently, asking him to watch over me as I entered their flat. I was consumed with the smell of cigarettes, weed and other drugs. You made me stop at the hallway, “wait” you said. I saw you run to clean and pick up the bongs and drugs that covered the floor. 4 unfamiliar faces and 1 I recognised as my sister’s old partner. I prayed he didn’t recognise me. He was involved in Gangs. I almost died as you introduced me as your best friend, Shanly.
Every single one of them sat there. Looking, fidgeting, biting nails, laughing randomly, rocking backward and forwards, flicking through the same magazine, picking at skin. And then you, Sitting next to me, looking happy and as comfortable as ever. “What do you want to do?” you asked, and I wanted to scream “get the fuck out of here”. But I didn’t I stayed silent, realising that my voice wouldn’t come out with anything but a weak whisper. I was terrified. I was fighting back tears with everything I had. I sat. Staring at the TV screen, I could hear your boy getting angry with you over nothing, I was praying so hard for my life, for yours. My skin was cold, I left like the only light in a room of pitch black. Nobody else’s light was on. You noticed I was uncomfortable, on the edge of my skin. So you tried to ask questions to soothe me, I only answered with nods or shakes, even if the question wasn’t a yes or no question. Every minute was uneasy and tried not to breathe in. You finally asked “what time do you have to be home now”, I answered “now”. I just had to get out. So we walked to the bus station and on the way I snapped at you, A child, no older than 8 had asked you for a cigarette and you handed to him. I went nuts. “it’s his choice” you told me. “YOU GAVE IT TO HIM” I yelled at you. You had become everything I would hate you to become, we stopped in a shop. And walked around you started to tell me how you met your boyfriend, you told me how good he was for you. That’s when I broke down. I burst into tears. I told you how I felt.
How could you do this to yourself? How could you turn something that was so beautiful into something not worthy of a second glance? You used to be everything I looked up to but now you’ve become nothing I want to be put with. You left me at the bus stop with tears down my face and I remembered everything that had happened, why we stopped talking. You walked away from me when I got out of hospital last year, when I needed you the most. And as much as I still care, I’m not opening up fresh scars or making new tears. I’m sorry, but today you scared me like no other has ever scared me. You put me in danger and opened up a door to the bad side. I’m here, but I’m not going to be just another life destroyed.
My heart was crushed when I saw you today.

Scarlet sunsets.

Breathe in and let me just show that I’m here now.
Let me tell you there’s nothing to fear now.
‘Cause I’ll hold you close and take you high
There won’t be sorry songs or goodbyes
I’ll show you, what real loving can do.
I’ll show you, my heart beats for you.

Breathe in we’re not for show
Step lightly and shine your glow.
‘Cause I’ll help you forget the worries
I believe what no one else sees.
I’ll show you, you’re just like me
I’ll show you, together we’re free.

Breathe in don’t shy that smile
Let go for just a while
‘Cause I see the best in you
I adore you through and through
I’ll show you, light in the darkest day
I’ll show you I’m meant to stay

Breathe in I’ve got you safe now
I’ve got the 101, the know- how.
‘Cause to me you’re worth freedom and stars
To me you’re like sunshine and acoustic guitars.
I’ll show you, we can work this out
I’ll show you what hopes all about.
Breathe in trust the words I speak
There’s no one like you, so undeniably unique
‘Cause I know better than you think I do
One me and one you is equal us two.
I’ll show you, I’m not going anywhere
I’ll show you just how much I care.

Breathe in love, and exhale deep
Remember the heart you keep.
‘Cause I see the truth behind your eyes
I see us lying beneath blue skies.
I’ll show you trust that never breaks
I’ll show you what we can take.

Mother malice

You’re a liar and I despise you. Let me ask you a few questions mother; let me see you’re able to answer with words instead of fists.
Do you love me? And if so then why do you scream every time something is wrong.
Do I matter to you? And if I don’t, is that the reason you take it out on me.
Do you care if I live or die? And if you don’t is that my you beat me a little further into self-loathing.
Do you mean it when you say you hate me? And if not then why do you tell me different?
Did you care when I was in hospital? Or were you just worried about how it was making you look?
Do you really think I’m the reason our family is broken? And if so, is that the reason you stay away from me?
Does is actually matter to you if I come home? And if not, that explains why you never call to check, like everyone else’s mothers do.
Do you enjoy pushing me into tables and benches? And if not, then why do it?
Do you want to be feared every time you get in my personal space to strike me again? And if so then why do you hate me that much?
Do you feel I was your biggest mistake? And if not, then why do you act that way?
Do you cry at night like me after another abusive confrontation? Or do you smile at the thought of me in bed wasting away?
Do you love my father? Or do you just spend every moment away from our home because of me?
Do you like sleeping at the opposite end of the house to him? And if so, why?
Are you sorry for anything you’ve done? Or are you happy for the pain you cause.
Why do you yell when you can talk? Why do you hate when you can love?
Did it mean anything to you when I came to you, handing over my torture tools? Or was it just another meaningless action?
Does it matter to you that I suffer? Or do you really find joy in how miserable you make me?
Does it bother you that we have no relationship? Or does hitting me count as one in your books?
Do you like the red patches you leave and the emotional scaring? If so, why am I the target?
Do you want anything to do with me? Or am I just another stone to throw into the ocean of nothingness?
Do you like blaming me for everything in your life? If not, then why am I such a disgrace to you?
Why don’t you come home until its way past my bedtime? What’s so much better out there, then at home, with us?
Why do you neglect me every time I ask for help? Why do you misuse me when I’m in need of help and I don’t tell you?
How is it that I’m the foulest thing you’ve ever set eyes on? But what you’re doing is okay?
Mother, when did spitting on someone become a moral standard? Mother, when did hitting me become acceptable? Mother, when did it become okay in your mind, to destroy mine? Mother, why are you allowed to ask questions, but I’m not? Mother, what happens to the money father gives you to buy food, which never appears? Mother, why do you hit me when you’re sad? Mother, do you hit me because you hate me? Mother, why do you call me a liar, when you’re nothing but a fake? Mother, how am I liar when I only tell the truth? Mother, why do you criticise my weight because you’re obsessed with the way you look? Mother, why don’t you ever come home? Mother, was I really a mistake? Mother, what is the point in me living, if the woman, who gave birth to me, doesn’t want me here anymore?

Dreams fall like wonder walls.

Dear Shanly,
Pour your heart out into this empty pit. Take a look back and realise you never meant shit. You were never good enough to win the prize, you were never pretty enough for them to despise. You were never charming or smooth on the surface, you were never fit enough to come first place. Your eyes were a dull blue of emptiness to match your lack of knowing. Your skin was always red in patches but you’d hide it from showing. You let your tears flow heavily and waited for someone to say “I’ll save you”. You never realised that no one cared and you were done and through. You let yourself sink and then drown, you let yourself mope and frown, you let yourself lose sight of life; you made yourself believe nothing was worth the fight.
You always were a hypocrite telling everyone they would be okay, yet you never believed it for yourself, not all at, not for one single day. You lost your strength and will to try; you gave up, hid in bed and told yourself to die. You didn’t care how you felt you only longed for goodbyes, you imagined yourself in a better place and forced down every lie. You tried every end in the book, every “please don’t” or “I love you” you’d over look. You were so selfish for wanting what you always did, you’d say “I may be 15, but I’m no longer a kid.”
You let me believe you were going to be okay, but every single day I watched you waste away. You’d scream in P.E and say it was because you were getting into the game, you’d lie as I saw you were just trying to get rid of the pain. You bit your lip to stop yourself from crying, when blood trickled from it, I could see how hard you were trying. You’d put on make-up and then rub your face; you believed that either way you were always going to be a disgrace. You couldn’t settle for second best because it made you feel just like the rest. You wanted people to see you were always different, you wanted to know what “I love you” really meant.
You tried so hard but every time you’d fail, you felt like all your hopes and dreams had gone stale. You got so violent when things would happen, you took it out on yourself, you never could see it wasn’t always your fault, and that it was destroying your mental health. You focused on one single person to care about, because with caring about them, there you could be no doubt. You wouldn’t have to love yourself or what you’d become, you’d just have to love them, not caring where they came from.
You fell so many times but still you survived, you had lost count of how many times you’d willed yourself to die. You put in someone else’s hands your choice of life or death; you’d get angry as hell if they chose the one meaning taking another breath. You refused to believe anymore could ever really care, you’re past was something you could never repair. You just wanted to feel safe for one moment in time; you wanted to feel like living wasn’t such a crime.
I still care about you, about me, Yourself, Shanly.

Every breath I take is a sigh of exhaustion.

Your love is a hallow truth. Your mind is a corrupted cry. Your words are infatuated with brokenness caused by all your lies.
Your tears fall down like bloodshed. Your eyes were and empty plea. Your time spent was a waste because you only killed me.
Your days now are filled with sorrow. Your weeks pass in a daze. Your friends try to see you, but you’re world is just a haze.
Your face is etched in my heart now, your arms and every hold. Your hands wrap around my neck, I swear ill never tell a soul.
Your biggest mistake was telling me “go”. Your smallest was saying “just stay”. Your suicidal influence still tortures my body every taunted day.

Broken is not a state of mind.

Her breathing got heavy, her voice started to shake. How much more could she take? She missed the love she always used to feel, she hates the reality that none of it was real. She stares at the clock begging it to be three, no one would notice as she waited in agony.
She runs to the bus and holds on for the ride, she fights back tears to keep her self- pride. She’s not a star, model or a dime, she just keeps writing because it’s safe in her mind. She never wants to say how she really feels; she never reveals the scars that have healed.
She’s not real pretty and she never will be. She won’t ever be what they call joyful or happy. She tears herself down so no one else can; she lets it happen again and again. She can’t tell the truth when everything she knows is a lie. She doesn’t focus on anything but staying alive.
She can’t wear dresses or frilly little clothes; she’s terrified of the thought of skin that shows. She feels a little better before it all crashes down. She can’t get used to the fact no one’s around.
She hides in her room and under the sheets; she closes her eyes and admits defeat. She can’t be a saint when everyone’s a sinner, if she’s not a loser, she’ll never be a winner.

A different shade of grey

Make your mind up; don’t pull me on a string. Treat me like a person, like I mean something. Don’t say you care if you really don’t. Don’t say you’d cry if I was hanging by a rope. Don’t lead me on & then drop me at the end. Don’t let me make the mistake of calling you my friend.
Make your mind up; was this ever real? Do you care what I say & how I feel? Don’t put me in a position you know will end bad. Don’t hate me if things you say cause me to get mad. Don’t betray my trust & expect it to be okay. Don’t everything you want from me to come your way.
Make your mind up; am I worth your time? Should I keep on bothering with these stupid rhymes? Don’t treat me like I’m nothing & then expect a hug. Don’t rip my heart out & squish it like a bug. Don’t shuffle through your emotions like you’re picking a card. Don’t abandon me every time things get hard.
Make your mind up; do you want this part of me? Are you sure it’s still my face every day you want to see? Don’t act like I’m a price you have to pay. Don’t Force yourself to speak if you have nothing to say. Don’t dig a hole to bury me in. Don’t expect that every time we’re going to win.
I will always be the different shade of grey.

“Honey, you’re just not worth anything”

She’s no star, she’s just a worn out girl with a broken heart. Piece by piece she’s ripped apart. There’s no life, she’s just an empty shell. Everyday she’s forced to live in her own personal hell. She claws at her wrists and her blood starts to burn. How much longer before she learns?
The pain doesn’t vanish; it’s always there, unlike the people who said they would always care. Everyone leaves in the end. No one’s ever there to help her mend. She hides her blue eyes behind her hair; even though she doesn’t look, she can feel them stare.
She doesn’t want a happy ending or a prince to come her way, she just wants more pills to help her through the day. She trusts too easily and cares till it’s deep. So when everyone leaves, her fall is steep.
She feels unwanted and unloved at the least, she can’t wait until the day they all say “rest in peace”. She’s been stabbed in the back and abandoned more than once, no wonder she puts up all the fronts. She’s been labelled with a price, no one wants to pay. She’s been cheated, lied to and been forced into a bed, in which she didn’t lay. She doesn’t hate anyone, only herself. She doesn’t even care for her own health.
She can’t be broken when she never was whole. She can’t fight the fights with a crumpled soul. She can’t be herself when no one loves who she is, she can’t keep hoping, when no one gives a shit.
She’s no star, she’s just a worn out girl with a broken heart. She always knew she was ruined from the start.

It’s not Hollywood when you’re hanging from a tree.

I’m sorry I’m a fire blanket on a rainy day.
I’m sorry I can’t help to take the pain away.
I’m sorry I was never what you needed me to be.
I’m sorry all I could say was “you meant everything to me”
I’m sorry I forced out all your tears.
I’m sorry I couldn’t comfort you when you were stuck alone with your fears.
I’m sorry I’m just another soul unsaved.
I’m sorry I’m just another face to be blamed.
I’m sorry all I am is just a disgrace.
I’m sorry I can’t forgive you until another time and place.
I’m sorry I was never the perfect little girl.
I’m sorry all I did was put you in a whirl.
I’m sorry that I cared way more than you ever did.
I’m sorry for everything that happened when we were no longer kids.
I’m sorry that I carried on like a fool.
I’m sorry for every time you acted like a tool.
I’m sorry I’m so protective of everything I love.
I’m sorry that I always push and shove.
I’m sorry I made you run out of luck.
I’m sorry that everything I touch turns into muck.
I’m sorry that I’m wrong more than I’m ever right.
I’m sorry that all we ever did was fight.
I’m sorry I can’t change who I’ve always been.
I’m sorry that I hated myself and it showed on my skin.
I’m sorry for the times I left you in the dark.
I’m sorry for everything and every bad remark.
I’m sorry that I left you in your own personal hell.
I’m sorry that when I was in mine, you could never tell.
I’m sorry for every second with me you hated.
I’m sorry that more often than not you thought I was overrated.
I’m sorry you showed me the door and said get out.
I’m sorry that you left me filled with nothing but doubt.
I’m sorry I filled you with constant pain.
I’m sorry that this has happened over and over again.
I’m sorry that I was always the rain on your parade.
I’m sorry that I was always the biggest mistake you ever made.
I’m sorry I knew more than you would allow.
I’m sorry that it must be this way now.
I’m sorry for the nights I cried myself to sleep.
I’m sorry that this hurt had to run so deep.
I’m sorry for the times I seemed unaware.
I’m sorry for every time you thought I never cared.
I’m sorry for every time you made me frown.
I’m sorry for everyday I let you drag me down.
I’m sorry you didn’t think of me as your best friend.
I’m sorry that without you I knew I would descend.
I’m sorry that it seemed like I was filled with vanity.
I’m sorry that most nights I almost lost my sanity.
I’m sorry I was a ship that sank.
I’m sorry for the days I was so blank.
I’m sorry that it seemed like a scandal.
I’m sorry that I was more than you could ever handle.

Golden lies win the golden prize.

I hate those fakers; I hate their lies, every inch of skin covered like plastic, every inch I despise. I hate their fake eyes and their fake hair. In amazement the others all stare. I stare in disgust of what’s really unreal. I stare in shock as to the others they appeal.
With their fake personalities and fake laughs drowned in fake lies that break fake hearts. Fakers are fakers and they’ll always be hollow, one day they’ll choke on all the words they swallow.
So keep your eyes shut and abandon all hope, because they’ll smother you in filth that pours from their throats. This is my confession and I hate to be blunt, but it’s hard to stay silent when you’re surrounded by runts. So here is the truth in this little part, I hope everyone knows we were doomed from the start.
No one can win on this ruined earth, filled with lies, fakers, hate and the wrong idea of self-worth. So cover your ears and hold your breath and pray to God that soon comes death. Because nothing’s worth anything while the fakers stay fake, this life is a nightmare accept we’re awake.
So scream your heart out and cry till you’re numb, everyone knows you’ll end up with no one. No one to care if you’re on your death bed, no one to care if you’ve got a bullet to your head, nobody cares if we live or die, because people only care for the fakers and their lies.

Love is;

If only life was as sweet as the movies, we could get everything our hearts desired. I guess it wouldn’t be reality that way, but it doesn’t make it any less desirable.
I get so completely frustrated when people tell me I don’t know what love is. If a fifteen year old girl doesn’t know what it is, then who does?

By that time in anyone’s life we have all experienced and experimented with love. We receive and give it from the age of 0, as babies we expose our love to our family. Sure, the love people are talking about is different, but nevertheless it is still love. If I can love a teddy or a puppy then what makes that different from loving a human?

Of course humans are different in the fact we are individuals and we can respond and by intellectual in many ways, but doesn’t that mean we love deeper or more thoroughly?
I don’t need a dictionary to tell me what love is. No words or sentences can sum up what love is. Love changes, as people change. By the time we are old enough to know what it is, to know how it feels, to know that love is a combined package with risks and chances, we are still young, but we will always be willing to take another chance because love is love. And life is hardly worth living without it.

A day without loving is meaningless. How can we happy? Be pleased? With a day where we don’t bring a smile or a tear to someone’s eye because of something caused by our love for them. Everything good in our world is built on love and everything bad in our world is built purposefully to try and destroy it.

Love is everything. Love is us. So how can anyone tell me that I don’t know what it is? That I can’t possibly love the way I say I do? Well maybe it’s because they haven’t read this, maybe because they don’t know me, maybe because no one knows the real me, maybe because I can’t be this passionate in social situations or maybe because they’ve never given me the chance. What I truly believe the reason is, is because people take it for granted, because “I love you” simply doesn’t mean as much to people these days.

I’m old fashioned. I love you, means everything. I care about you, means something. I wanna be there, means companionship. I’m not going anywhere, means you’re worth it. I adore you, means you’re beautiful on the inside. I miss you, means I think about you and can’t wait to see you. You’re amazing, means you inspire me. You’re worth it, means I’d do anything for you. You’re special, means I wouldn’t change you for the world. You’re beautiful, means I’m entranced by you. I love being with you, means for that time I’d rather be with you than anywhere else in the world.

This is what it is for me, this is how it should be, and this is how it was before the world became obsessed with unimportant objects such as money. A day filled with money and without love, is filled with possessions and material objects. All these things can be brought. Love can’t be brought. It can be given, shared, expressed, exposed, but never brought. Love isn’t something we get because we have the right. Love is something that is given to us freely because everyone else can do exactly the same. Everyone is equal when is comes to love.

Everyone has the potential to love fully, completely, entirely, and without boundaries. We just need to find the courage to set ourselves free. The things that can be discovered when we are free are uncountable, but it also comes with the risk. Like most things in life there is always a negative side, there will always be battles we must be willing to lose otherwise we will never achieve our goals. The negative will tear you down, will hurt you, will be unbearable, but it will strengthen you, and when you find the real elements of love in your life, when you find that one person that makes the stormiest day feel like calmest weather. That’s when you’ll know its okay to get hurt, it’s okay to lose, and its okay to take the risks. That’s when you’ll realise that love will always conquer over hate, over pain and suffering, and the worst of times. That’s when you’ll see that even though you can feel horrible or at the lowest of lows, that love is stronger and when you experience it in the bad, the bad seems like a single fly in the sky, invisible and unimportant.
Love is; smiling, laughing, kissing, hugging, caring, talking, absorbing, enjoying, crying, trying, baring, suffering, knowing, amazing, unconditional, truthful, mistake-filled, forgiving, overwhelming, hope-filled, joyful, loud, intense, peaceful, content, crazy, beautiful, pleasing, difficult, understanding, compassionate, trusting, healthy, watching, giving, and sharing.
Love is everything, love is eternal…

this is no dream, only a nightmare

The air is heavy, the light is dull, the noise is a blur, and the same melody repeats itself in my ears, as it tries to sooth my mind into peaceful sleep. Images of my day flood my mind, my adventures in the forest, my tea with marshmallows, my feelings of emptiness and arrogance towards what is bothering me to the core.
A fresh stab of pain electrifies through my body. I feel my hairs stand up and rub my skin gentle to calm the current. I push it back down and wait for a night when crying is absolutely unavoidable, when I can wallow in it freely. Tonight is not that night. I must be strong, I must lie on the surface, I must let the actor come out and play.
I suddenly realise I'm biting my lip, and a sudden flash of last night’s dream appears in my head. Bushland, a farm on the outside and on the inside, a massive room full of emotionally unstable people, I recognise their faces, though I have never met them. I got out to the stables, people are scattered everywhere around the “Boss”. They looked terrified, children everywhere, and then people my age, horses and then the order from boss. We must find the boy. I was nervous and mounted the horse, it was night but I started riding, I followed boss, and then we split into ranks, I was by myself. I charged forward and then halted abruptly, I recognised him, the boy, and he was in the room, his face cut through my soul as terror spread through me, but it was for him. The others gathered around him, and moved in, then there was a flash of light, my eyes were squeezed tight, and as I opened them I could hear a heartbeat that was not my own. I looked up and I was lying on the grass in the same field, I was curled next to the boy and I looked into his face, I saw his soul through his captivating eyes. He spoke simple words, though the meant the world. “I will never break you”, that’s when I woke up.
I find it incredibly irritating when I wake up and try to remember dreams and then remember them later on instead, at a time that just bugs me... I phase back into reality, a fresh wave of pain conquers my body, I need to learn how to control it, if my mind didn’t wander freely as it does, then it wouldn’t be such a problem. I wouldn’t be reminded of you by the simplest of things. I run so far, so far that when I get pulled back, I’m knocked down and in more pain than anyone could experience. Being crushed by a car couldn’t compare to the intolerable pain a human can be exposed to.
The body heals faster than the heart or the mind, scars on the outside are reminders, they are finished, scars on the inside always threaten to rip open at anytime. Your face flashes into my mind, and a burning in my nose occurs, a sign of the tears to come. I hold my stomach tightly as the sickness overwhelms the pit; I breathe deeply and exhale lightly. I roll to my side, and smother myself with a pillow. I whisper your name and release the pillow, I can’t fight it anymore, the battle that is lost before its barely begun, makes the air catch in the back of my throat, I want to fight, I want to change what you’re doing, but I can’t. You will never change for me, the way I have changed for you.
I must let go now, I have to do what I hate, I have to let you have your way, the way I always have.
I close my eyes and ignore the scratching in my mind. Tomorrow I will be numb again.

no makeup. no worries.

Images plaster the internet, the news of the world. Of what we as humans are meant to be, meant to look like, meant to fit in to. Utter bullshit. We are who we are; I will no longer be put under the pressure of feeling like I’m not good enough because the calculation of my BMI is too high. I am me. Its hard enough trying to fit into a society where you are judged so crucially on where you stand, what you believe in, your opinions and your rights. Let alone adding more pressure on to it by telling us what we should look like, how we should dress, and what we should do to “improve” ourselves.

People say that it’s who we are that counts, the kind of person we are on the inside, and I support that, but that must mean the world is contradictory considering the fact that fashion and image is rated so highly. I understand, feeling beautiful, feeling worthy, is one of the most vital things anyone could experience as a person, but it should be you on the inside, not this false image of what the world wants.

It’s what you want that matters. Sometimes it’s about you. It’s never selfish to simply care about yourself. We weren’t made to be selfless; we were made to appreciate who we are on the inside and out. When and why did it become such an issue for people to be themselves? Why is it frowned upon that someone may weigh more, or someone might be shorter or taller than what is expected. Since when has skinny been equal to beautiful? Why should anyone force themselves into believing that they are unworthy and unwanted, because of these images that surround us?

I’m disgusted in the fact that people find joy in when they can fit into that tiny skirt they’ve wanted for so long, or that t-shirt from the store everyone hates, but still wants to find pride in wearing the clothes. Weight, height, looks; they mean nothing, nothing to me, without who you are behind them. I can, I will, love and care for anyone. I’m setting myself free, I’m not going to be bound by this world, and I’m going to be comfortable in my own skin.

Who I am is who I am. I won’t change who I am on the inside nor will I change who I am on the outside. It truly upsets me when I see people on TV, people who feel like they have no other choice that they are so uncomfortable in their own skin, that they feel they need to change who they are. The beauty that resides in them is meddled with. The magic, the element of their soul that is portrayed in their face, in their skin, in the life that shines through them is changed.

It’s awful for me when I walk into a room and realise the first thing I’ve notice about the people when I look at them, is how they look. That is so very wrong of me, wrong of everyone. I want people to see me, what’s written in my heart, my life, my story. Not what is my face or my body.

The world can be such and ignorant place. Who are we to define what is and is not good and beautiful in this world? What I find real beauty in, is when someone can walk up to me, tell me I look great, even though, I’ve just woken up, my hair’s a mess, I’m sick, and I’ve got no make up on. That’s real. That’s how it should be, how one day, it will be. That I can be loved without all the pressures of what the media and large companies want. Imagine how much good we could do, the problems we could fix, if the money that’s invested in make up was invested into our problems instead.

Cavemen and women found partners in that life, when none of what we have today, existed. That was real... I’m going to get what’s real.

sleep the pain away.

I had to curl into a ball to try and stop the pain. I covered my face with my arms and held my head in my hands. My face was hot, unusually around my eyes. It was tear soaked and throbbed from the headache that was forming, from the hours of crying. My lips were dry and starting to crack, from my deep, sharp, gasps of breath. I pushed my chest into my lap and tried to focus on how uncomfortable I was, instead of the blazing, burning hurt, clawing and crawling up my chest and to my throat, where my cries of pain leaked out leaked out my mouth.
11:11 wish, make it through the night with my mind intact. Impossible I thought, I knew, of course I was going insane, trying to make it through another day of this. You were always the better part of me.
The minutes pass as I glanced frequently around my dark room, highlighted by the moon through my window. My bin, overflowing with white, the majority of a toilet paper roll, filled with my tears and coughs after forgetting to inhale. It seemed like there were more important things than to breathe, things like you. My pillow, covered in the memory of my screams for you to understand what you meant, that I needed you. My photos of us are scattered on the floor, some torn up, with the evidence of my plea for it to be okay, some saved by tape. My bear, my pig, the one you gave me as a promise of my heart to continue to beat, lay in front of me, still intoxicated with your scent, and the fact of knowing if I held it to me, I would feel comforted. I wouldn’t hold it; I wanted you to be consistent, not the bear.
I pulled the curtain back and stared into the driveway, the lamp on the street exposed the wetness of the ground. It had been raining in the outside world, as well as my own. Blank, was the sky, dark blue, to match me again. Ironic, the world can reflect your innermost feelings with the simplest of ease. Coughing, spluttering, a cold was coming from my insufferable night of misery.
I quickly and uneasily made my way to the toilet where I left my stomach and what was my dinner in the bottom. I drooped to the floor and lay on the cold tiles, feeling weak and unashamed, you couldn’t see me, and I was safe to wallow in my own self pity. At how disgustingly alone I felt in this world. I started to focus on the noise. The patter of the rain fell in time with my heart beat, and I found it amazingly odd how strange it was that I was living without you. As much as I hated the distance and wanted you every second that my unearthly pain endured, that I could still have a heartbeat, along with my shallow breathing. I was weak, alone, cold and sick to my stomach on the thought that tomorrow I would face all that was good and happy in the world and feel completely isolated, because no one would understand how every breathe on this earth without you was incomplete. That nothing means anything without you.
A single tear rolled down my face, which was now cold and imprinted from the tile floor. I dragged myself up to stand and walk back to my room, and caught a glimpse of reflection in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself. Who was I without you? My face was etched with torture, agony and undeniable hate. I hated me; I was just me, without you. I leaned forward and stared into my hard blue eyes, bloodshot around the edges, and I saw that, I had put so much faith in the fact that nothing could break us, it was impossible. I made my way up the ladder for three years on my confidence, and self-esteem issues, to feeling safe in what we had, in what you had made me believe or realise what I was to you, you broke it. I was safe knowing that nothing could destroy us, never; never did I think you would be the one to put that there. You loved me; I believed that, I believed you. You said goodbye, and you’d decide when you wanted to come back.
I realised as I looked into my eyes that because you had given me the happiness I’d gained you could take it away in one instant. You didn’t realise the power you had over me, and I didn’t realise I let you have that power, because I undeniably loved you. I felt a shudder run through my body, what was I going to do now? No messages? No phone calls? No looking or speaking to you? No nothing. My hands were shaking, along with the rest of my body. I bit my lip hard to stop my cry of pain escaping.
Instant burning, then sudden soothing trickled down my throat as I drank my apple juice. My lips hurt, even more so as the liquid spilled on to them. I would have to remember to wear lip balm from now on. So many inconveniences came from the situation you left me in. I was in the kitchen now, my routine that I go through when I normally wake up in the middle of the night. The difference was I hadn’t slept. I wandered around trying not to step hard on the ground as dad was asleep downstairs.
There was nothing I could do to numb the pain, so I made my way back to my safety, my room. I collapsed into bed. All the crying and stress had worn me out. I was warm now, my face now the same temperature as my body, if not, slightly colder. My eyes burnt and stung in their sockets, the same result I always get after crying. It made them heavy. So I lie down and felt my heart throb for I unconsciously for what i knew would come from tomorrow. I closed my eyes, and heaved a sigh; I waited for the real agony to begin. My faith, confidence, hope, self esteem, and self loving, all drifted out of my body, as I slipped into a better world, a world where hopefully you would show and it stay a dream, rather then turn into the nightmare that is my reality I am faced with, without you there, to pick me up when I fall...

& behind this mask, lies a shattered truth