d.e.s.t.r.o.y.e.d

It’s been almost a year since I last saw your face. From what I had heard you had been getting help, you were shaping up, making a change. I thought maybe we could forget the past, move on and start fresh. I was ready, I had made the change. You, you hadn’t, you had sunk deeper and destroyed yourself.
I looked you in the face and instantly I saw there was something wrong. You were stoned. My girl was half high while looking at me telling me she had missed me. I looked to the right of you, and you introduced your boyfriend. Older, puffy eyed and clinging onto you like there was no tomorrow. So we walked to get coffee, you asked me what I wanted and I told you the same thing I used to, “hot chocolate and marshmallows” with a smile. I pulled out my wallet expecting to pay like old times, but not this time. You had a wallet full, ready to pay. I was surprised, but figured you had a job.
We started to talk and you told me about your life, you told me you were living back with your mum in the week and with him on the weekends in his apartment. I thought you were okay. You pulled out a cigarette and lighted up. I knew you hadn’t got rid of this habit, not yet. I told you not to get on me, I didn’t want to smell like it, or even inhale it. I still found it disgusting. I shrugged it off.
I watched as you and your boyfriend talked, I felt like an outsider. He was agitated, even though you were talking about the most normal of things. I got involved in the conversation and realised just how different you had become. You made me feel like the old me again, childish and so willing to get hurt. You asked me what was new with me, and I told you just how much better my life was. And that’s when I realised you had just dug your own hole deeper. “You wanna come back to my place for a while?” you said, I hesitated and replied, “Will I be safe there?” “You’re always safe with me”. I didn’t feel that way. I’d never felt so panic filled and terrified in your presence before. I didn’t know you this time. You were different this time. My girl wasn’t my girl anymore. I agreed. And asked where you were taking me, where it was. And you gave me the address and where it was. I didn’t tell you I was emailing my friend with the details in case I needed help.
We walked with him close by, you stopped and he went and brought cigarettes. When he was back he handed you a pack and you laughed saying “trying to kill me are you? These are too strong.” I didn’t think it was funny. Clearly he didn’t care. Not the way I do. You’re fifteen. He shouldn’t be with you. I was repulsed by him. We started walking again. You made a couple of phone calls, “put it away, I’ve got a friend coming over”. I asked “what is he putting away”. You didn’t reply you make a gun with your hand. And I froze. “You have guns in your home?” “It’s not mine!” you said, as though that would comfort me. You told me it was legal and then looked to him for conformation, he just shrugged. I got the feeling, nothing was legal about him. He was changing her. Another phone call “make sure everything’s away by the time we get there”.
Oh God, I prayed silently, asking him to watch over me as I entered their flat. I was consumed with the smell of cigarettes, weed and other drugs. You made me stop at the hallway, “wait” you said. I saw you run to clean and pick up the bongs and drugs that covered the floor. 4 unfamiliar faces and 1 I recognised as my sister’s old partner. I prayed he didn’t recognise me. He was involved in Gangs. I almost died as you introduced me as your best friend, Shanly.
Every single one of them sat there. Looking, fidgeting, biting nails, laughing randomly, rocking backward and forwards, flicking through the same magazine, picking at skin. And then you, Sitting next to me, looking happy and as comfortable as ever. “What do you want to do?” you asked, and I wanted to scream “get the fuck out of here”. But I didn’t I stayed silent, realising that my voice wouldn’t come out with anything but a weak whisper. I was terrified. I was fighting back tears with everything I had. I sat. Staring at the TV screen, I could hear your boy getting angry with you over nothing, I was praying so hard for my life, for yours. My skin was cold, I left like the only light in a room of pitch black. Nobody else’s light was on. You noticed I was uncomfortable, on the edge of my skin. So you tried to ask questions to soothe me, I only answered with nods or shakes, even if the question wasn’t a yes or no question. Every minute was uneasy and tried not to breathe in. You finally asked “what time do you have to be home now”, I answered “now”. I just had to get out. So we walked to the bus station and on the way I snapped at you, A child, no older than 8 had asked you for a cigarette and you handed to him. I went nuts. “it’s his choice” you told me. “YOU GAVE IT TO HIM” I yelled at you. You had become everything I would hate you to become, we stopped in a shop. And walked around you started to tell me how you met your boyfriend, you told me how good he was for you. That’s when I broke down. I burst into tears. I told you how I felt.
How could you do this to yourself? How could you turn something that was so beautiful into something not worthy of a second glance? You used to be everything I looked up to but now you’ve become nothing I want to be put with. You left me at the bus stop with tears down my face and I remembered everything that had happened, why we stopped talking. You walked away from me when I got out of hospital last year, when I needed you the most. And as much as I still care, I’m not opening up fresh scars or making new tears. I’m sorry, but today you scared me like no other has ever scared me. You put me in danger and opened up a door to the bad side. I’m here, but I’m not going to be just another life destroyed.
My heart was crushed when I saw you today.