this is no dream, only a nightmare

The air is heavy, the light is dull, the noise is a blur, and the same melody repeats itself in my ears, as it tries to sooth my mind into peaceful sleep. Images of my day flood my mind, my adventures in the forest, my tea with marshmallows, my feelings of emptiness and arrogance towards what is bothering me to the core.
A fresh stab of pain electrifies through my body. I feel my hairs stand up and rub my skin gentle to calm the current. I push it back down and wait for a night when crying is absolutely unavoidable, when I can wallow in it freely. Tonight is not that night. I must be strong, I must lie on the surface, I must let the actor come out and play.
I suddenly realise I'm biting my lip, and a sudden flash of last night’s dream appears in my head. Bushland, a farm on the outside and on the inside, a massive room full of emotionally unstable people, I recognise their faces, though I have never met them. I got out to the stables, people are scattered everywhere around the “Boss”. They looked terrified, children everywhere, and then people my age, horses and then the order from boss. We must find the boy. I was nervous and mounted the horse, it was night but I started riding, I followed boss, and then we split into ranks, I was by myself. I charged forward and then halted abruptly, I recognised him, the boy, and he was in the room, his face cut through my soul as terror spread through me, but it was for him. The others gathered around him, and moved in, then there was a flash of light, my eyes were squeezed tight, and as I opened them I could hear a heartbeat that was not my own. I looked up and I was lying on the grass in the same field, I was curled next to the boy and I looked into his face, I saw his soul through his captivating eyes. He spoke simple words, though the meant the world. “I will never break you”, that’s when I woke up.
I find it incredibly irritating when I wake up and try to remember dreams and then remember them later on instead, at a time that just bugs me... I phase back into reality, a fresh wave of pain conquers my body, I need to learn how to control it, if my mind didn’t wander freely as it does, then it wouldn’t be such a problem. I wouldn’t be reminded of you by the simplest of things. I run so far, so far that when I get pulled back, I’m knocked down and in more pain than anyone could experience. Being crushed by a car couldn’t compare to the intolerable pain a human can be exposed to.
The body heals faster than the heart or the mind, scars on the outside are reminders, they are finished, scars on the inside always threaten to rip open at anytime. Your face flashes into my mind, and a burning in my nose occurs, a sign of the tears to come. I hold my stomach tightly as the sickness overwhelms the pit; I breathe deeply and exhale lightly. I roll to my side, and smother myself with a pillow. I whisper your name and release the pillow, I can’t fight it anymore, the battle that is lost before its barely begun, makes the air catch in the back of my throat, I want to fight, I want to change what you’re doing, but I can’t. You will never change for me, the way I have changed for you.
I must let go now, I have to do what I hate, I have to let you have your way, the way I always have.
I close my eyes and ignore the scratching in my mind. Tomorrow I will be numb again.