sleep the pain away.

I had to curl into a ball to try and stop the pain. I covered my face with my arms and held my head in my hands. My face was hot, unusually around my eyes. It was tear soaked and throbbed from the headache that was forming, from the hours of crying. My lips were dry and starting to crack, from my deep, sharp, gasps of breath. I pushed my chest into my lap and tried to focus on how uncomfortable I was, instead of the blazing, burning hurt, clawing and crawling up my chest and to my throat, where my cries of pain leaked out leaked out my mouth.
11:11 wish, make it through the night with my mind intact. Impossible I thought, I knew, of course I was going insane, trying to make it through another day of this. You were always the better part of me.
The minutes pass as I glanced frequently around my dark room, highlighted by the moon through my window. My bin, overflowing with white, the majority of a toilet paper roll, filled with my tears and coughs after forgetting to inhale. It seemed like there were more important things than to breathe, things like you. My pillow, covered in the memory of my screams for you to understand what you meant, that I needed you. My photos of us are scattered on the floor, some torn up, with the evidence of my plea for it to be okay, some saved by tape. My bear, my pig, the one you gave me as a promise of my heart to continue to beat, lay in front of me, still intoxicated with your scent, and the fact of knowing if I held it to me, I would feel comforted. I wouldn’t hold it; I wanted you to be consistent, not the bear.
I pulled the curtain back and stared into the driveway, the lamp on the street exposed the wetness of the ground. It had been raining in the outside world, as well as my own. Blank, was the sky, dark blue, to match me again. Ironic, the world can reflect your innermost feelings with the simplest of ease. Coughing, spluttering, a cold was coming from my insufferable night of misery.
I quickly and uneasily made my way to the toilet where I left my stomach and what was my dinner in the bottom. I drooped to the floor and lay on the cold tiles, feeling weak and unashamed, you couldn’t see me, and I was safe to wallow in my own self pity. At how disgustingly alone I felt in this world. I started to focus on the noise. The patter of the rain fell in time with my heart beat, and I found it amazingly odd how strange it was that I was living without you. As much as I hated the distance and wanted you every second that my unearthly pain endured, that I could still have a heartbeat, along with my shallow breathing. I was weak, alone, cold and sick to my stomach on the thought that tomorrow I would face all that was good and happy in the world and feel completely isolated, because no one would understand how every breathe on this earth without you was incomplete. That nothing means anything without you.
A single tear rolled down my face, which was now cold and imprinted from the tile floor. I dragged myself up to stand and walk back to my room, and caught a glimpse of reflection in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself. Who was I without you? My face was etched with torture, agony and undeniable hate. I hated me; I was just me, without you. I leaned forward and stared into my hard blue eyes, bloodshot around the edges, and I saw that, I had put so much faith in the fact that nothing could break us, it was impossible. I made my way up the ladder for three years on my confidence, and self-esteem issues, to feeling safe in what we had, in what you had made me believe or realise what I was to you, you broke it. I was safe knowing that nothing could destroy us, never; never did I think you would be the one to put that there. You loved me; I believed that, I believed you. You said goodbye, and you’d decide when you wanted to come back.
I realised as I looked into my eyes that because you had given me the happiness I’d gained you could take it away in one instant. You didn’t realise the power you had over me, and I didn’t realise I let you have that power, because I undeniably loved you. I felt a shudder run through my body, what was I going to do now? No messages? No phone calls? No looking or speaking to you? No nothing. My hands were shaking, along with the rest of my body. I bit my lip hard to stop my cry of pain escaping.
Instant burning, then sudden soothing trickled down my throat as I drank my apple juice. My lips hurt, even more so as the liquid spilled on to them. I would have to remember to wear lip balm from now on. So many inconveniences came from the situation you left me in. I was in the kitchen now, my routine that I go through when I normally wake up in the middle of the night. The difference was I hadn’t slept. I wandered around trying not to step hard on the ground as dad was asleep downstairs.
There was nothing I could do to numb the pain, so I made my way back to my safety, my room. I collapsed into bed. All the crying and stress had worn me out. I was warm now, my face now the same temperature as my body, if not, slightly colder. My eyes burnt and stung in their sockets, the same result I always get after crying. It made them heavy. So I lie down and felt my heart throb for I unconsciously for what i knew would come from tomorrow. I closed my eyes, and heaved a sigh; I waited for the real agony to begin. My faith, confidence, hope, self esteem, and self loving, all drifted out of my body, as I slipped into a better world, a world where hopefully you would show and it stay a dream, rather then turn into the nightmare that is my reality I am faced with, without you there, to pick me up when I fall...