Dreams fall like wonder walls.

Dear Shanly,
Pour your heart out into this empty pit. Take a look back and realise you never meant shit. You were never good enough to win the prize, you were never pretty enough for them to despise. You were never charming or smooth on the surface, you were never fit enough to come first place. Your eyes were a dull blue of emptiness to match your lack of knowing. Your skin was always red in patches but you’d hide it from showing. You let your tears flow heavily and waited for someone to say “I’ll save you”. You never realised that no one cared and you were done and through. You let yourself sink and then drown, you let yourself mope and frown, you let yourself lose sight of life; you made yourself believe nothing was worth the fight.
You always were a hypocrite telling everyone they would be okay, yet you never believed it for yourself, not all at, not for one single day. You lost your strength and will to try; you gave up, hid in bed and told yourself to die. You didn’t care how you felt you only longed for goodbyes, you imagined yourself in a better place and forced down every lie. You tried every end in the book, every “please don’t” or “I love you” you’d over look. You were so selfish for wanting what you always did, you’d say “I may be 15, but I’m no longer a kid.”
You let me believe you were going to be okay, but every single day I watched you waste away. You’d scream in P.E and say it was because you were getting into the game, you’d lie as I saw you were just trying to get rid of the pain. You bit your lip to stop yourself from crying, when blood trickled from it, I could see how hard you were trying. You’d put on make-up and then rub your face; you believed that either way you were always going to be a disgrace. You couldn’t settle for second best because it made you feel just like the rest. You wanted people to see you were always different, you wanted to know what “I love you” really meant.
You tried so hard but every time you’d fail, you felt like all your hopes and dreams had gone stale. You got so violent when things would happen, you took it out on yourself, you never could see it wasn’t always your fault, and that it was destroying your mental health. You focused on one single person to care about, because with caring about them, there you could be no doubt. You wouldn’t have to love yourself or what you’d become, you’d just have to love them, not caring where they came from.
You fell so many times but still you survived, you had lost count of how many times you’d willed yourself to die. You put in someone else’s hands your choice of life or death; you’d get angry as hell if they chose the one meaning taking another breath. You refused to believe anymore could ever really care, you’re past was something you could never repair. You just wanted to feel safe for one moment in time; you wanted to feel like living wasn’t such a crime.
I still care about you, about me, Yourself, Shanly.